those who come back forward out to share their stories of surviving abuse and the way they include coped are out to be commended for the strength and courage. nicole asks, how will spanking advocates not see what this violence does out to folks ; how it trickles down in the generations and hurts us all ?
the answer isn't difficult. folks can't have empathy toward abused children till they'll honestly acknowledge the mistreatment from their childhood experiences and examine the shortcomings of the oldsters. out to the extent we feel compelled out to defend our oldsters and guard their secrets, we can do a similar for others. we can look the opposite means. by regularly insisting we simply turned out okay, we are reassuring ourselves and diverting our attention from deeply hidden unpleasant memories.
this can be why when somebody says, spanking is abuse, lots of individuals react as though a door barricaded since infancy has also been smashed open. this barricaded, unconscious door has prevented us from committing possibly the most dangerous, most unpardonable act of disloyalty imaginable, disloyalty out to our oldsters. we are afraid that by opening the door we would possibly fall through into an abyss--abandoned and cut off from any chance reconciliation along with the oldsters we love. the concern is irrational. denial--about what was finished ot our generation and, currently, almost everything that are performing and allowing out to be done out to succeeding generation--is the real danger and therefore the real sin.
reconciliation and healing is allowed to begin with an acknowledgment on your truth. it's futile out to hope that lies, evasions and excuses will somehow erase the memory and therefore the pain of past injuries.
my familys cycle of violence stops with me
like many americans, i too was subjected out to spankings being a kid, though i like out to decision them whippings and beatings since thats what these extremely were. my mothers paddles of alternative were thick leather belts, giant soup spoons, along with what she known as cherry switches ( skinny branches ! ).
she appeared out to take nice pleasure within the whole humiliation aspect on your beatings. we had out to have them bare-bottomed, after all. and as you she selected out to use a cherry switch, we had out to go outside and decide it ourselves. if it wasnt giant or sensible enough, she would send us back out out to decide another, and provides us further swats for making an attempt out to go away using it.
Mom would give beatings out for only one reason: when she was dissatisfied somehow regarding chores. Say I dropped a glass while doing dishes, or left my toys lying about, or my eldest sibling (mother's pet, who escaped all beatings) hadn't done her own duties- then out would come the belt. That is actually one of my most vivid memories of childhood... getting pulled out of bed at one in the morning (when my mother got home from being out) and being beaten while finishing my sister's undone chores.
It's very odd, because in all other respects my mother seemed to be a decent and respectable person. She was fun-loving and open with us. She did not call us names or hit us for other reasons. She held a high-paying, extremely well respected position in the community. Meeting her, one would probably never guess that she inflicted abuse on her children in that one small, strange area of life.
For many years I was very, very angry, but now I am trying my best to forgive my mother for what she did. For I've discovered that she has her own history with "spanking", and it is hauntingly similar to what she did to her own daughters. She was raised by an alcoholic father and an unattached mother. As the least favored child she was regularly whipped, often for no reason other than her parents were in bad moods. It is so true that spanking affects far more people than just the poor child who receives it.
To this day my mother defends her parents' evil behavior and refuses to accept that what they did was heinous abuse. I guess their cruelty warped her mind so terribly that it is all she knows of being loved. That is so sad and pitiful. I will never excuse the way she hurt us, or pretend I understand it, but I do want to get past my anger.
How can "spanking" advocates not see what this violence does to people; how it trickles down through the generations and hurts us all?
Now in the present day... the effects of my childhood have been ongoing, as you may have guessed. I have suffered from depression and low self-esteem regularly. I am completely unable to walk away from a mess or job that needs to be finished- never in my adult life have I left dishes in the sink overnight, or saved the vacuuming for another day. I still have an incredible fear of leaving a chore undone. As a result, my doctor suspects I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Furthermore I have extreme difficulty in speaking up for myself- it makes me feel ashamed to draw attention. Yet in bizarre contrast, I suffer from terrible rage and have had to see a counselor to deal with it. When I become angry or threatened I feel an almost primal desire to physically strike out at whoever has bothered me. I have not hurt anyone and probably never will, but the feelings and what those feelings do to me are bad enough. I am a person who acts meek but has horrid, violent urges all the while.
I am glad to say that my family's cycle of violence stops with me. I have NEVER hit even one my six beautiful daughters, NEVER. Not once. I've had a lot of counseling, and help from my husband, and sometimes medication, to keep me from lashing out at the girls. I have managed to never act on my deviant thoughts.
But, it breaks my heart to admit that the thoughts are even there. When I get angry or frustrated, that desire to hit them still surfaces. Even through all my effort, I can only keep from acting on my feelings- I cannot prevent them from coming into my mind. This hurts and disgusts me more than I can possibly explain. The idea of hurting my children (or anyone else) repulses me, yet my subconscious is so deeply branded by abuse that it still wants to do it.
I'd like to say that, obviously, my mother's abuse was different than most well-meaning parents' "spankings" are. She obviously had more issues than many parents. But people must understand that the underlying message is the same, regardless of the reasons for the hitting. Whether the cruelest whipping or the so-called "gentlest" spanking, all tell a child the same thing: "hitting is okay and you should use it to get your way". Every time an adult strikes a child, it gives him or her, the idea that violence is an acceptable response... and I guarantee that not every child who learns this falsehood can resist acting on it in adulthood.